Wednesday, September 8 |

Bittersweet

I must share a sorrow with you. I must write, because it's therapy for the soul. I am so very grateful to my husband, who has been my rock, in the past couple of months. He's been patient, kind, and wise. My mother, also, has been a source of strength to me. I praise God for surrounding me with friends and family to whom I can go for advice and support.

But most importantly, I praise Him for the peace He gives in the storm. That even through the suffering, there is a quiet stillness, a calm, a loving reassurance that can only come from my heavenly father.

Yesterday, I lost a child. Not to death, but to the world, which can sometimes be worse. I know the right decision was made, but I keep asking myself, what if it had been me? Did I treat him the way the Lord would have treated me? I review every word, every action. I question each thought. Ultimately, I know the result would've been the same, but I still wonder, did I show him the same love and mercy that Christ shows me?

Though I am sad, I am not disheartened. Though I sometimes wonder if he knows I love him, I don't have to wonder if the Lord does, and in fact, more than I.

So I pray, and I wait, and I listen to that still small voice, that tells me no matter what, He's still in control.

Paul said, 'most gladly therefore would I rather glory in my affirmites, that the power of Christ may rest upon me'. Over the past six months, I've begun to understand what he meant. You don't want the suffering to come, but you do want the closeness with the Lord that can only come through suffering. It is a bittersweet experience. I would not ask for the trials, but I will glory in them when they come, for without them, I wouldn't know for myself the gentleness of God's voice, the presence of His arms around me, the reassurance of His word. Have you experienced the fortress that is our God?

Fight the good fight,
Jenny

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