Sunday, July 18 |

Be Careful What You Ask For

Life is hard when you're a SAHM. Not just because of the messes, the fighting, the chores, the teaching, and the cooking. The children, the home, and the husband are blessings from the Lord, and in and of themselves are wonderful. They are my peace, & my joy, and serving them is what completes me. I am acting out the function in which I was created to perform. 

But there's a certain amount of loneliness accompanied with being a SAHM. At least there is for me. I feel secluded. I have many acquaintances, but no pals, no 'girlfriends'. No one to hang out with, to talk on the phone with, to share my life with. My one and only best friend lives in another state. All of this isn't to have a pity party. It's to provide factual background for what I'm about to share.

No one knows us like the Lord. There are many things in our lives where we wonder why things are the way they are. Why He leads a certain way, why He prevents certain things, why He allows certain things. We don't always understand, and sometimes we do understand, but it's not until after the fact. Sometimes, He reveals things to us, just to teach us. I believe this is what's happened to me over the past couple of days.

My life is the way it is for a reason. I know that in my head, but I don't understand it in my heart. Sometimes I long to break out of this skin I'm living in. This life. Sometimes I long for the freedom of singleness, of childlessness, if only just for a little while - a day, a few hours. I know these feelings are somewhat common, and they don't happen very often. But my life is the way it is for a reason - that reason being, I go crazy if things are any different!

A couple of days ago, hubby and I went out for a date night. He was working late, so instead of coming home and us leaving together, I met him at our regular date-night dinner place. It had been a tough couple of hours with the kids prior to my leaving, so I was 'keyed up' when I left. But something happened when I got in the car. I turned into someone else. I was ALONE, and it made me a little crazy! I drove too fast, listened to my music too loud (and it certainly was not gospel), and by the time I got to the restaurant I was in rare form. Later, when I got home, I started wondering why it was that I was feeling this way, and came to the conclusion that it was because I had been by myself. Then it occurred to me that I hadn't been out by myself in a while. Well, then I wondered how long was 'a while'? The answer - MONTHS. Months since I'd been out of the house by myself. Since I'd gotten in the car by myself. Since I'd gone anywhere by myself. MONTHS! And it took me two days to recover! Something inside me snapped. For two days I was defiant. There was a wild person in me who was yelling to be let out. It was like I was in a constant state of chaos. I wanted what I wanted. And what I wanted was more.

Only now, this morning, have I realized who this other person was. Her name is Selfishness. Defiance. In my quiet time, the Lord revealed to me the attitude of my heart over the past two days. At some point during my study times, I'll review the passages I'm memorizing in Titus. (So far I've completed chapter one, and am up to verse eleven in chapter two). I began a new verse this morning. Titus 2:12 "Teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly, in this present world;" Think the Lord was trying to tell me something? Youuuuu betcha!

So, what about next time? Well, next time I'll have this experience to think about, and maybe I'll use my alone time a little more wisely.

P.S. - I attached this post to my facebook profile - guess what the two security words were I had to type in the box to post it? 'trapped' & 'homeland'. What's THAT all about??! :)


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